'onest, Constable!

  • February 16, 2006 at 8:39 am #1724
    VEST Paradox

    ( Note: This was posted ont he old site on Feb 15th, so I moved it here for lil Gus )

    “So 'ere I was, plain as ye see, constable! Y'see, I met a man at tha local coffee 'ouse, tha Ana-ana…well anyway 'e tol' me tha' 'e was interest'd in me fighting. The lad's name was Silas 'ughes. An' I swear on me gran'pappy's grave that 'e invited me down 'ere so I would nae get outta practice.

    So, aroun' abou' four 'hours bef're tha witchin' hour, ah decided to take 'im up on it down 'ere at the docks, y'see. I took one o' those big bags o' flour y'see there an' stood on ol' Bill's back. What a strong ass 'e is! So I tie off the bag o' flour an' throw it over tha' there rafter an' then tie it off down on tha' wee nail down there. It makes a good enuff punchin' bag, ta be sure.

    Anyways, I go about wailin' away at tha' bag 'ere when me ears 'ear a noise! Well iss about ten o'clock, constable, an' I'm nae thinkin' there be any reason for any good man ta be down at these docks. So I make me way up to tha' wee stack o' bags 'ere an' climb atop an' peer outta tha' there dusty window. Aye, I know it's broken. Ah'm gettin' ta tha'.

    Theres I am, peerin' out tha window when I see, a bugger o' a man wearin' all black an' a mask to 'ide 'is face like a coward! Well, Mistahr 'ughes 'as been a right nice lad lettin' me an' Bill 'ang out 'ere on evenin's, so I'm nae about ta let 'im get robbed, to be sure.

    Well as luck would 'ave it, constable, 'e decides to take a pickin' at the lock at this very buildin'! So quiet as I can be, I 'ide behind some o' those there sugar bags. Not a difficult task for a wee lad like meself. I 'ear the lock pick an' then the door open. Well ta say 'e was a wee bit suprised to see ol' Bill there, oh ye should 'ave seen 'is face! But I waits, y'see.

    So anyway, this 'ere man slips in an' starts riflin' through some o' the bags. Well 'at's a right enough fer me! I leap from be'ind th' bags an' I yells, ''ere now! Whatchye be doin' 'ere, lad?”

    Sure as me bruther's a lawyer, 'is lad turns an' looks at me with a sneer on 'is face tha' would mimic Satan 'imself! Well, me murther an' pappy ne'er taught me ta be afraid o' Satan because I be a good Christian lad. Tha' there young lad pulls out 'is knife an' star's comin' after me. Wells, I'm nae about ta let 'im cut me, so's I give 'im a punch as 'ard as ye please right to the ol' bell an' whistles, if ye know what I mean. Well the lad doubles over an' 'as tears in 'is eyes, cryin' lahk a schoolgirl. So's I give 'im somethin' ta cry about! Me fist runs right straight across 'is jaw. Well 'e falls backwards an' is knife cuts the bags o' flour so when 'e 'its it from tha fall, tha flour goes up in a 'uge cloud.

    Well this bugger decides i's time ta fight dirty. He reaches up an' cuts me rope, sendin' flour 'erywhere, coverin' us both! Well I manage ta still 'it 'im a couple o' times in the knees an' tha stomach swingin' blindly, but it did nae do much.

    Aroun' this time, ol' Bill is gettin' a wee irritated with it all. 'e's nae happy with the fact that this man is tryin' ta 'urt ol' Gus, nae tha' we're throwin' flour about. Well finally, ol' Bill 'as 'ad enough an' takes matters into 'is own an's…or 'ooves as it were. 'e leans back an' gives tha man a good ol' kick in tha back with both 'ooves. Well whot this did was sent the man, flyin' constable. Aye, he flew like a bird when a cat jumped inta the middle o' em! Well the ol' bugger slices open another bag an' spills rice all o'er the place as well as knocks a wee bottle o' jam off the shelf.

    Well I's about 'ad it at this point an' I go runnin' towards 'im an' give 'im a good whollapin' across the jaw! This sen's the man straight through the window which is when all o' ye show'd up. An' tha's why I'm co'ered in rice, flour an' jam, Mistahr Constable sahr.

    Whot's 'at ye say?

    Oh aye. I'll get it cleaned up for Mistahr 'ughes. Aye, ye can take 'im away.

    No, sahr. Ah don' need the 'ospital, but sure as me gran'pappy's grave I believe 'e will! That'll teach 'im not ta come back here again. Now if ye don' mind, sahr, ah needs ta eat tha jam out o' me beard an' then take a bath.”

    February 16, 2006 at 9:58 am #2289

    Bloody hilarious! More, please!

    February 17, 2006 at 1:29 am #2290

    The funnest anybody had at the docks, that's for dang sure.


    February 25, 2006 at 10:12 pm #2291

    Lol! The midget has stolen my heart!

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